Dump Bush, Er, Never Mind . . .

This is still America, damn it! The rule of law and the dictates of common sense have not been repealed by executive decree.

At least, I don’t think so.

So I’ve taken my case to the state Attorney General’s Office and to the ACLU, and I’m standing up and declaring in my most outraged voice, “This is not right!”

I wonder if this, too, would be considered “hate speech.”

P.S. to Michael Moore: I tried to send you an e-mail through Microsoft’s Outlook Express, but it wouldn’t go through. Should I add “paranoid conspiracy theorist” to my list of character descriptions?

—Jan Strnad

Editor’s Note: TheWeekly received the following comment from Microsoft spokeperson Vivecka Budden: “This kind of policy is standard in the industry. For example, when eBay took down the auction of Nazi memorabilia, it was based on a policy like this. There are certain limits to the right of free speech because of the need to protect other public interests. The policy strikes a balance between these sometimes competing interests.”

Sex and Free Speech, Renaissance Style

What do Queen Elizabeth I, the woman responsible for the Golden Age of England, and porn queen Layla Jade, the woman responsible for Butt Banged Hitch-hiking Whores, have in common? Both are British and, last Saturday night, both were in attendance at the Sheraton Universal Hotel for the Free Speech Coalition’s Renaissance-themed “Night of the Stars XVII, a Fantasy Ball.”

All right, it wasn’t the real Queen Elizabeth, and those butt-banged whores, well, they weren’t really hitchhikers, but it was a fantasy ball, remember, a night where the exciting, lusty worlds of porn and Elizabethan England could commingle for a few magical hours.

The coalition acts as “a legislative watchdog for the industry, lobbying for laws that will protect adult entertainment,” according to its mission statement. And, as the sun did set over the realm of Universal City, the good people of the Kingdom of Porn spilled out onto the hotel’s front lawn to tarry and feast.

“It’s all about seeing your friends and networking,” offered the comely, Devon-born Jade, who became a coalition member just days ago. And her thoughts on the Renaissance? “Oh, you mean this,” milady clarified, gesturing to the hale group of period minstrels, commoners and royalty. “I thought you were talking about some kind of rock band. I love the fact that Queen Victoria is here, I totally love that.” Well, she’s actually Queen Elizabeth I. “Oh, I didn’t realize. It’s easy to confuse them, you know. They all look stern and solemn.”

Now here’s a scoop: If it weren’t for the Renaissance Faire, Berkeley’s own Nina Hartley, surely the matriarchal porn counterpart to Queen Elizabeth, may never have entered the world of adult entertainment. “My sexual awakening was at the Ren Faire when I was 14, working at the kissing booth,” revealed the venerable sexual artiste behind user-friendly classics like Young Girls in Tight Jeans and Deep Trouble, I Cum From a Land Down Under, Battle for the Bulge and the self-explanatory 100% Blow Jobs Vol. 3. “It was 1973 and I worked in the Drench-a-Wench Kissing Booth, and I had a revelation that this was going to be the life for me. It was the year I discovered written pornography and The Joy of Sex. It was so fabulous, and to see these people brings back great memories.”

But soon the attendees were summoned by stout-voiced town criers to enter the hall; the festivities and the filet mignon were about to begin. Among those to be recognized were some of the industry’s giants: Christy Canyon, receiving a Lifetime Achievement Award for 20 years in the business. Twenty years? Could it really be true? There were always two things in her big brown eyes that I found utterly beguiling: sweetness and guilt. It was a strange sensation, indeed, juxtaposing the caught-in-amber memory of her fevered teenage turn in 1984’s On Golden Blond with the mature, radiant woman delicately applying a sharp Gucci toe to a smoldering cigarette on the Sheraton steps.

And there was the famous, sexy millionaire Jenna Jameson, nabbing the Coalition’s Positive Image Award for her positive image. Which means she’s made the leap into mainstream entertainment by appearing on TV’s Nash Bridges and in movies like Private Parts and something called Porn ’n Chicken. The outspoken Jameson was no fan of the evening’s 16th-century theme. “Bad idea,” she stated. “I think that this event is incredibly important, and it needs to be taken seriously. The Renaissance people add a little bit of a fun feel to it, but I think everybody should take notice of how serious free speech is.”

Perhaps Chip “Ever Ready” Daniels, recipient of the Gay Actor Lifetime Achievement Award and star of queer faves like Scorcher, Male Triangle and Tight Ends and Wide Receivers, Parts 1 and 2, put it best in a heartfelt, almost Ed Woodian speech. “I fear for our future!” he cried. “That is why I hope our industry, every one of you, and me, can put our often intramural squabbling behind us. If we can do that, and come together and work together, we can defeat Bush!”