Uncle Andy’s Fun Afterlife

I was told you were beaten often as a child.

Contrary to what many people think, David, I wasn’t beaten that much. Two or three times a day at most. I don’t blame my folks, because I was a bed-crapper. Like a bed-wetter, but worse. So they burned me now and then with a cigarette, but I hold no grudge. I’m a big believer in “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” Or, in my case, “Spare the Lucky Strikes.”

What do you have planned for the May 16 concert?

This will be my first musical appearance in L.A. in 10 years. This time I have a full orchestra, the Cliftones, and my backup singers and dancers, the Cliftonettes. Wait till you see those Cliftonettes! They make Hefner’s Playmates look like old hags! This booty is fresh! Fresh and talented!

Your friend Bob Zmuda was telling me about your ability to hit a 10 on the “octave meter.” What exactly is an octave meter?

That’s exactly right. The octave meter is a highly sophisticated, scientific piece of equipment. Without getting too technical for you, David . . . is it David, or Dave?

Dave.

Dave. Dave, slave, grave, knave. Without getting too technical for you, Daaave, let me put it this way: Mariah Carey has an eight-octave range, which is considered phenomenal. I have a nine. And, when I’m feeling up to it, I hit an occasional 10. And the octave meter is what we use to warn the audience. Believe me, you don’t want to be sipping your Jack Daniel’s when I’m hitting the 10th octave — there’s a good chance the glass will shatter. We warn people to remove any eyewear.

What if Andy Kaufman is actually alive, and he shows up for the show?

I’d throw his ass right out of there, dead or alive. That wannabe has always been riding my coattails to make a name for himself. This is the Tony Clifton Show, not the Andy Kaufman Show. If people want to see Andy, I suggest they buy themselves a flashlight and a shovel. [An alarm sounds.] That’s it. That’s five minutes. That’s the end of the interview.

* * *

I think Andy Kaufman was his happiest when he was wrestling and there were 10,000 wrestling fans screaming and yelling for his head.

—Zmuda

“People were saying, No, Andy really is dead,” says Moffitt, the Fridays producer. “And I came around to kind of believing, Gee, maybe he actually is. A lot of people didn’t believe it, because they knew Andy’s pranks.

“Is he or isn’t he? You never can tell. You just can’t completely dismiss it. There’s nobody like Andy. Nobody has done things like him. Nobody has gone out that far. Nobody has tested the audience and the limits of laughs, of comedy, as Andy has. So if anybody would do it, it would be Andy.

“It’s not that I believe he’s still alive — but every once in a while I think maybe he is going to pop up. And if he does, it may be the greatest prank of all time, but what’s he done with 20 years of his life? He had to have another life somewhere.”

Answering Machine, the next morning, 2004: “Hi, it’s Lynne Margulies. Hey! It was Aruba! I just woke up this morning and thought of it. Aruba. That’s where Andy used to talk about going. Just jokingly, I think. I don’t know where Aruba is, and I don’t think he did either. But it sounds good. AH-ROO-BAH! And also I was thinking, if you’re, you know, searching for the meaning of all this, for why this is all continuing, why Bob continues with it, and why I, too, willingly, continue along with it — it’s just because it’s fucking fun. You know? That’s all. That’s all Bob and I really care about in life, and that’s all Andy cared about in life, was because it’s fun. Everything else was secondary. We keep trying, we keep trying . . . AH-ROOOO-BAH!”

Andy Kaufman — Dead or Alive? happens at House of Blues, 8430 Sunset Blvd., Sunday, May 16, 7:30 p.m.; VIP tickets $250, including select seating and a reception, general admission $99.95, SRO $50. Tickets available through Ticketmaster or www.hob.com.