Clothes Ponies

There’s a little old man who drives around town in a giant old brown Cadillac and feeds these devious creatures. When he approaches certain corners, the little buzzards fly down to the street before the codger can even stop his car. I think he is some kind of pigeon pimp, but I don’t even want to imagine what kind of kickback he collects from his stable of beaked bimbos.

Beware of these birds. Don’t let yourself become a victim of a homey-pigeon flyby pooping or, worse yet, let one of these untrustworthy varmints get inside your house. There is no worse squatter than an L.A. pigeon. If you live here, don’t feed, look at or talk to these birds, and your life will flow along much easier. For those who are just visiting, I only have one word for you: Duck!

—Peter Fletcher