Like an alien come down to discover Earth and all its glory, that is my perspective today. My second day of work in retail, everything is casual as it should be. I feel a bit more positive about my recovery. Only through communication with my support group have I been able to keep my last relapse from becoming a binge.
I went to a fireworks show with two girls and one other guy in recovery. One girl I had slept with (a lousy fuck she was) and the other girl is a hottie. It was a challenge just to keep my distance, especially after the gay sex. Still gotta iron out the HIV issue so the sex life is on pause. What is the proper sex etiquette with Hep C?
One night about a month ago, Ross and I talked on the phone for the first time. We talked for more than an hour; it was hard to hang up. Counseling him in this informal way has made me remember the recovered addict’s duty to “be of service,” especially to hard-nut cases like him. Our conversations re-ignited my passion in the process of recovery. I try to infuse my words with urgency, to tell him he can either put the brakes on now and dig in and do the work, or remain a mess and keep investigating jails, institutions and death. We made a deal that if he sticks to his program he’s going to come and visit me in December.
Date: Thurs. 10 July 2003
It’s a good day to be alive. I’m in over my head — nine months of welding classes! I think I really will enjoy it, I can’t wait! I’m going to learn to weld! Of course I’m dreading the HIV test, and have not even thought about it (denial). I keep telling myself to stop being a baby, right now I just gotta focus on today. Just started looking up some Reiki on the Internet — seems very interesting, healing through magnetic fields or something like that. I dig the spirituality concepts, although I really don’t need to go out and opiate myself on some concept of God. To be quite honest, I am in search mode for something to believe in which includes me, I so want to believe in myself. Which is also why I want to try out some body mod. I truly must suspend in my life at least to have the experience under my belt. What I get through tattoos is cosmetic. I want to try hook suspension as my recovery program. I must! We’ll see what happens in the next weeks. I must become a little more self-confident, my confidante.