"You know, there were 50 'confessing Sams' at the time of the murder," sighs Gilmore, sinking back into his chair. "Everyone wanted to be connected with it. I guess they still do, 56 years later."
—Stephen Lemons
Metaphysical Fitness: It's Fun To Complain at the YMCA
On the second floor of the Hollywood YMCA, around the corner from a roomful of Stairmasters and down the hall from the racquetball courts, a bulletin board is covered with column after column of bright-green cards, each an anonymous dialogue between patron and staff.
"Why do men get couches and a TV in their locker room, and the girls don't?" read a recent posting.
The reply beneath it was measured and circumspect. "We conducted a survey of the women last year, and with a score of 97 to 18, they voted against a TV." (Okay, but what about the couch?)
The comments posted on the suggestion board change regularly, and offer a candid window into the gym's efforts to please the approximately 6,500 members who pay $40 every month to use the North Schrader Boulevard facility. A handful of the cards on the YMCA's wall praise the club's careful upkeep, or speak glowingly of the enthusiasm of a particular spinning-class instructor. But most record a litany of complaints, each one answered with a thoughtful response from the staff. Even the most inane criticism, no matter how unfounded the objection or how poorly articulated the complaint, merits an earnest reply, often decorated with exclamation points and smiley faces.
One note that appeared in February detailed an indignity suffered just as one patron was finishing "an awesome qigong class." The complaint alleged that an aggressive yoga teacher, who was slated to use the room next, hustled out the still-cooling-down qigong-er. Rudely was underlined on the description of the offender's actions, and an addendum emphasized shock over the fact that the violation was committed not by an aerobics teacher or a boxing coach (as, presumably, one might expect), but "by a yoga instructor!"
In the staff's concise reply, apologies were offered, actions promised, and assurances made that such incidents will not happen again.
Often the comments are prefaced with boosterish words about the YMCA in general, the kindness of its staffers, the warmth of its pool. Others get right to the point.
"Who keeps taking the Jacuzzi clock?" demanded one patron, the words scored onto the note card in a frenzied scrawl. "Stop taking the Jacuzzi clock!!"
"P.S.," he/she added thoughtfully, "I like Annie! & Kelly & Dallas & Greg."
The staff put this one to rest quickly: "The Jacuzzi clock gets damaged from the steam, and must be replaced often."
Sometimes it's clear that complainants are just being humored, their suggestions so vague or esoteric that it takes only a simple "OK" to appease them.
"Shower curtains need to be washed on a regular basis," one member pointed out helpfully.
"Sounds like a plan," a staffer wrote back, no doubt suppressing a giggle. "Thank you!"
Other missives touch on greater themes — gender and equality, for instance.
"Can it possibly be true that the onlyperson affiliated with the Hollywood YMCA who is qualified to change a light bulb in the women's locker room is a man??" wrote one irate patron, perhaps still smarting from last year's landslide vote against TVs in the women's locker room. "YIKES!" and "Viva la revolucion!!" were added for effect.
"If so," the lament continued, "how about waiting until after closing hours to change it, instead of 10:30 on a Wednesday morning when the room is FULL of ladies of all ages in various stages of undress!!!
"Shock!" she railed in closing. "Dismay! Outrage!"
Response to this hot potato was brief and mindful of the delicacy required when negotiating the minefield of locker-room politics: "I think we can arrange to do that. Thanks!"
At times, personal crises creep onto the board, manifestations of some deluded member's irrational blame casting. Such was the case with the patron who complained that the scale in the women's room is "DONE FOR." (Her quotation marks.) "I know I didn't just gain five lbs!" Community outreach being a cornerstone of the YMCA mission, at such times staffers aren't afraid to offer a little tough love.
"Scale checks out fine," they advised, and added, perhaps with an eye toward heading off any further dispute, "Try measuring your success in inches vs. pounds. Inches can be much more accurate."
Space on the board is made for the occasional philosophical rant or rhetorical question, a little food for thought for members who've grown to love the wisdom that the suggestion wall dispenses one note card at a time.
"Why is it difficult for people to follow the rules!" wondered one member, more or less summing up the sentiments of the board as a whole.
"We're not sure," the YMCA sighed, "but if you figure it out let us know.
—Michael Driscoll
Home Improvement: Artist Explores the Final Frontier
Infuse the typical added-onto suburban home (think ad-hoc corrugated walls, Home Depot cacti still in pots, no windows, etc.) with L.A. artist Chris Burden's keen ability for innovation, his rigorous detailing and his deadpan humor, and you'll get his newest piece — Small Skyscraper: a 35-foot-tall structure that encloses up to five 8-foot-tall "floors" which are vertically stacked upon one another like some levitating elevator shaft.
