By Hillel Aron
By Joseph Tsidulko
By Patrick Range McDonald
By David Futch
By Hillel Aron
By Dennis Romero
By Jill Stewart
By Dennis Romero
THE NEXT DOZEN SILVER LAKES
1. Echo Park 2. Eagle Rock 3. Highland Park 4. Mar Vista 5. Athens 6. Bell 7. Santa Fe Springs 8. Lomita 9. Pacoima 10. Hawaiian Gardens 11. Harbor Gateway 12. That housing project on the back side of Palos Verdes
TEN THINGS PURGATORY MIGHT BE LIKE
01. A SINK FULL OF DISHES 02. BAD TRACKING 03. AN UNFIXABLE DING ON YOUR '65 MUSTANG 04. THE SERVICE DEPARTMENT 05. LENTIL SOUP 06. THE KNITTING FACTORY 07. DOT.ORG 08. INFINITE JEST 09. JAY LENO 10. 94.7
Ten Best Places I've Been Jumped
1. Tommy's on Rampart: Couldn't even finish my chili-cheeseburger. 2. Rowan Elementary School: Bullies. 3. On an MTA bus: "Where you from?" 4. Stevenson Jr. High: Bullies. 5. In front of my house: My sister had to fend off the tagging crew. 6. Garfield High School: Bullies. 7. House party after my prom: Prom date with a cue stick. 8. Cal State L.A. house party: A riot ensued, literally. 9. Turkey Bowl football game: "That's not a first down!" 10. My neighbor's house: My neighbor.
Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad! It's Christmastime! Exploiting the innate militarism of children is always good for a buck, so pull on your 9/11™ T-shirts, gather 'round the tree and see what Colonel Santa's toy companies have brought this year!
1. Because the War on Terror isn't the only war we're fighting, don't forget that cops are still America's Heroes®. While last year's popular NYPD doll (with authentic toilet-plunger action) is no longer available, the SWAT Urban Camo action figure is! Comes with a flak vest, a face mask, and a battering ram for those flimsy housing-project doors (not included).
2. America's least marketable war has finally come around. Two traditional favorites, Hasbro's GI Joe and 21st Century Toy Co.'s Ultimate Soldier, have new lines of Vietnam War toys, including a lifelike 9th Infantry soldier and an "x-treme detail" M41 Walker Bulldog Tank. Lieutenant Calley figures are not yet available, but the Ultimate Soldier has created a strange and spooky "Vietnam War Memorial" toy — three well-armed, fully bendable but gaunt and battle-hardened grunts, complete with haunted thousand-mile stares.
3. Buy beige! Desert camo is hot this season. "Deployed to harsh desert regions," Hasbro's 26th Marine Expeditionary Unit GI Joe "searches caves that pockmark the hills to flush out hidden enemy fighters." Hasbro also makes a Modern Day Israeli Defense Force Soldier™ ("a force to be reckoned with") and a khaki-colored dune buggy, the Desert Striker ATV, which comes with two beige-and-tan-clad action figures, machine guns and missile launchers. The Ultimate Soldier has a full line of desert-ready warriors, featuring the best toy on the market this season — the Desert Infantry figure "with interchangeable head."
4. Collateral damage is rad! Imagine shelling a civilian home, "disappearing" the survivors and establishing your very own Forward Command Post! Stop imagining — for $44.99 you can have your very own 75-piece "fully outfitted battle zone"! This bombed-out shell of a home has realistic shattered windows and bullet-scarred walls, and comes with a foot-high action figure, an American flag, a radio, maps, little folding chairs and lots and lots of guns! (Bloodstains not included.)
5. Irvine-based TalkingPresidents.com has produced "a true action hero" — a George W. Bush talking doll! Just push the button on the back and it belches one of 17 randomly selected genuine soundbites, from "Terrorism against our nation will not stand" to "I come from Texas!" Also functions as effigy.
TOP 95 NAMES FROM THE L.A. WHITE PAGES (A-K) 1. Sock Won Ahn 2. Flores Atonal 3. Sadsamboon Auskundey 4. Juan Baez 5. Betty Ballnik 6. Charles Balls 7. Tasha Baloney 8. Young Duk Bang 9. Olufemi Banjo 10. R. Beaglehole 11. B.B. Beans 12. Miyojo Beauregard 13. Fnu Beauty 14. Bonnie Beavers 15. Minnie Beavers 16. Bertha Beggs 17. Yuk Lam Chow 18. A. Beveridge 19. Melody Bible 20. Gaspard Bigumanshaka 21. Boris Bimbad 22. Homeric Bio 23. Bad Bird 24. Maria Bizarro 25. Tipton Blish 26. Tatiana Bliss 27. Xavorie Blithe 28. Gene Blood 29. Joe Blow 30. Brenda Bone 31. D. Boone 32. Bob Boop 33. Walled Booze 34. Desiree Botts 35. Roddy Bottum 36. Harry Box 37. Dora Bozo 38. Zil Brill 39. Bing Bu 40. Elmo Bugg 41. Yolanda Buggs 42. Chester Bumper 43. Fuller Bumpers 44. Seymour Bush 45. Harry Butole 46. Bambi Canada 47. Andre Canty-Swapp 48. Clint Catalyst 49. Garland Cheeks 50. Tom Chestnutwood 51. Pick Chew 52. Merrily Chopp 53. Jew Chow 54. Yuk Lam Chow 55. Lolita Corpus 56. Kelly Cream 57. Clarice Crisp 58. Goldie Crummie 59. Catalina Cruz 60. Phuoc Cum 61. Aftan Dada 62. Jeffrey Damnit 63. Long Dang 64. Phat Dong 65. Ima Diva 66. Slippy Dogg 67. Peppermint Dooley 68. Lesbia Dubon 69. Nap Dung 70. Bert Dunk 71. Phuc Duong 72. Hope Faust 73. Foxy Felt 74. Misty Flatt 75. Stone Fleshman 76. P. Flushman 77. Buffy Frankenstein 78. Eric Fromm 79. M. Gandhi 80. Fanny Gay 81. Chuckles Geddes 82. Happy Gilmour 83. Pride Grinn 84. Ha Ha 85. Suk Ham 86. Ida Harden 87. O. Harder 88. Bong Hipolito 89. Bich Ho 90. Phuc A Ho 91. Harry Hyman 92. Hoo Tin Jew 93. Brigit Jones 94. Keng Kong
—95. Tom Christie
Ten Fruit-and-Vegetable Hybrids To Look for in 2003: 01. Grumpkin, 02. Peapple, 03. Mangato, 04. Cucaloupe, 05. Potapricot, 06. Beetnip, 07. Asquat, 08. Beanana, 09. Avapaya, 10. Cumsquash —Joe Donnelly
SEVEN REASONS WE CAN'T AFFORD BASIC HEALTH CARE
CEO William W. McGuire's 2001 earnings: $58,103,499 (salary, bonus, perks/benefits, deferred payments, exercised stock options); stock value: $378,196,614.
Outgoing CEO James C. Smith's 2001 earnings: $15,282,823; stock value: $12,216,080.
03. CIGNA Corp.
CEO H. Edward Hanway's 2001 earnings (approx.): $14,055,582; stock value: $8,258,653.
CEO Leonard D. Schaeffer's 2001 earnings: $10,062,379; stock value: $60,712,587.
05. Aetna Inc.
CEO John W. Rowe's 2001 earnings: $5,557,896; stock value: $5,864,153.