Santa is a Wildman!

The power of the air (including miraculous flight) is either controlled by evil (Satan) or good (Santa). In A.D. 1087, by sacred decree of the Holy Roman Catholic Church, Nicholas achieved sainthood and was granted power over the air and ordained Supreme Controller of the Winds. Often, relics of St. Nick are carried aboard ships to appease stormy seas. (Alternatively, when it was believed that a Lapp shaman was bewitching a ship off its course, a virgin's shit smeared on the inner seams of the vessel would annul the curse.) In Finland, Santa Claus rides a flying goat named Ukko. In Finnish mythology, Ukko is the supreme god and king of the air. In the West, Santa takes wing by way of a team of enchanted reindeer. An age-old Lapp poem, Haste My Rain-Deer, reads: "Fly my Rain-Deer, fly swifter than the Wind."

North Pole Hell

WHY DOES SANTA LIVE IN THE FROZEN hell of the North? Traditionally, the North was considered to be the abode of devils, shamans, sorcerers, witches, fairies, trolls and wildmen. Dante envisioned Satan in a frigid hell frozen up to his asshole in ice. In Inferno, the flapping of Satan's wings produces the polar winds. In Norse mythology, Niflheim is a place of eternal cold, darkness and fog ruled over by the goddess Hel. One of the Earth's portals of hell (located in Västerbotten County, Sweden) is called Devil's Crater (Djävulskratern), a bottomless pit similar to Devil's Hole near Las Vegas.

The Saami shaman, or noid (also spelled nojd, noyde and noajdde), was believed to have the gift of second sight, invisibility, shape-shifting, weird visions and the capability to create false apparitions. Because of this power, Martin Luther called Lapland the home of the devil. Missionaries to Lapland believed that the noid were literally possessed by demons, and the shaman's drum was a powerful "instrument and tool of the devil." The regions and peoples of the extreme North have always held a special fascination for peoples in the temperate zones. The excessive cold, the winter darkness and the reputed mystical powers of the Hyperborean people have long attracted the imagination of writers, adventurers and seekers of mystic powers. Surely, Santa Claus lives in the North because, like a holy Magi, he holds the great supernatural power of the noid.