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Tiresome Things: 2001 and Beyond 

Wednesday, Dec 26 2001
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BRILLIANT FUCKING BOREDOM

1. People using the word brilliant to describe anything at all that’s pretty good: “He ended his set with a cover of Nick Drake’s ‘Northern Sky.’ Brilliant.” “That car is brilliant.” “His hair is fucking brilliant.” People here use that word brilliant ’cause they want to sound British. Stop it.

2. The word fucking now sounds corny and weak. (Try droppin’ the g —fuckin’ . . . see?)

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3. The word fine, as in “Plastic’s fine?” “Are you fine today?”

4. The pervasive question “Are you okay?” when you’re feeling just fine. It’s so fucking manipulative.

5. Or when you ask someone are they fine and they say, “I’m good.” I don’t get it.

6. The words seminal and infectious to describe important or likable music. Very tiresome indeed. Also disgusting. The word indeed has to go, too.

7. Sonic anything.

8. Savvy.

9. Frisson rubs me the wrong way.

10. Those little hair patches below men’s lower lips — still pretty lame.

11. Pushy assholes, bossy fuckwads . . . you know who you are.

12. American flags in my face — blow me.

13. Sports metaphors in music writing, and . . .

14. . . . people who want to “touch base” with you.

15. Sports.

16. No public transportation to speak of in L.A.; no way to get there, no place to park when you do; auto-insurance companies stealing your money.

17. Faux-eclectic-music radio shows and festivals.

18. All-women’s music festivals without Annette Peacock or Patty Waters on the bill — it’s an insult to women.

19. When film and music critics go on and on about artists’ careers, at the expense of any discussion of their art.

20. White people trying to act black — a perennial favorite. It makes me sick.

21. NPR newscasters who say “negosiation” instead of “negotiation” ’cause they think it sounds erudite, the ignorant twats.

22. That N.Y. millionaire jerk Stephen Bing treating Elizabeth Hurley like a dog — how come she gets walked on so much? That’s just wrong.

23. Shelby Lynne’s version of Lennon’s “Mother” is an atrocity. This is inferior singing, and a dumb idea, precisely why she won a Grammy.

24. Frank Sinatra — he sings flat and they call it “incredible phrasing.”

25. Books and movies about how junkies had to do dope ’cause they were always different from the rest, the self-centered turds. Dish me, blowrag. Ban all “survivor” tales.

26. Borin’ old creeps with their endless talk about how punk rock changed everything, and how today’s music just isn’t . . . punk rock. Sad, really.

27. The word bitch. It still offends me. Never liked chick, either. Have we learned nothing?

28. Spotted owls. I just don’t like ’em.

29. All nostalgia, except mine.

30. Anyone who claims to speak for God, and kills on His behalf — get a sex life.

31. Beware of God. It’s angry ’cause It’s dead, and It plays with dice.

32. Grumpy people are the worst, man I hate every last one of ’em.

Reach the writer at jpayne@bluefat.com

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