California Dreamin’

Most important, Dick, you can not run to the right of Gray Davis. It’s a physical impossibility. You’re dead before you start.

Unless . . . unless you will entertain my modest proposal. You have (clumsily) tried to position yourself as the “moderate” Republican: the guy who can manage diverse Los Angeles. As the only Republican who can coexist with Big Labor. (Even I have to admire the way you suckered the unions on Staples Center and the Trizec-Hahn boondoggles.) You’re the guy who loves Latinos and endorses Villaraigosa and gives away computers to inner-city schools. Yada yada yada.

Great. So why not go all the way. Why not position yourself not only as the most liberal Republican — but also as the most liberal gubernatorial candidate? That’s right. In the one-party state of California, why not outflank Gray Davis on the populist left! It’s not like you’d have to move very far at all. And the Republicans can’t stop you. They have ceased to exist as a state party. Start talking about bringing that Latino-labor alliance to statewide power. About bringing an L.A.-style living wage (which Hizzoner eventually signed) to all of California. About seizing the recalcitrant energy monopolies and giving the state the sort of municipal power embodied by L.A.’s glorious DWP. You get the drift.

I know this is a shock and a stretch for you. If you go with this idea, we would not only have to flesh out the programmatic details, but we’d have to shape a whole new public image for you. Hell, we didn’t do half bad in ’93 and ’97 when we morphed you from a junk-bond arbitrage artist into a roll-up-your-sleeves philanthropist. And this time around, you’d have to study up in some new areas for you, like civil rights and workplace rights, the environment, and campaign-finance reform — but if you set your mind to it, you’d get it all down pat.

Take a week and let me know what you think. In the meantime, I’ll run this by Eli and Ron — though they may be married to Gray. And start thinking about a running mate. Johnny Burton? Harvey Rosenfield?

Yours,

Bill

P.S. When people talk about the Central Valley, they don’t mean Van Nuys. And enough already with the Bakersfield jokes.