Happy Fucking Birthday, Asshole
The best of Sitegeist
The Compact Oxford English Dictionary, 20 volumes in a slipcase with magnifying glass. (Under $400. Thanks.)
Immaculate-conception insurance, just in case. Offered by Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson Insurance (GRIP) of London.
A copy of Michael Herr’s Dispatches to replace the five copies out on permanent loan to friends since 1980.
Guidance from some wise ghosts.
Occasional thunderstorms.
And a fireplace.
Mandatory semiotics classes in all public schools beginning in first grade and continuing through high school, college, employment, retirement and death. If you run into any trouble arranging this, you might wish to consult the International Association for Semiotic Studies. The site needs some work, but within a year or so they should be ready to help inflict some substantial knowledge on our lethargic, American Gladiator–watching butts.
Just watch — watch what happened to me the night after I received the pale-yellow sock you sent in ’98.
The Second Amendment rewritten (if you can do it with your Bible, you can do it with your Constitution) to specify exactly what kinds of muskets constitute “arms,” and whether Sergeant-majors Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold (Littleton DMZ) constitute a “well regulated militia.” For details on how best to wrap this gift, watch an MPEG of NRA First Vice President Kayne Robinson giving a rim job, figuratively speaking, to George W. Bush, son of former CIA assassin George Herbert Walker Bush.
Oh — and a terrycloth bathrobe.
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