By Hillel Aron
By Joseph Tsidulko
By Patrick Range McDonald
By David Futch
By Hillel Aron
By Dennis Romero
By Jill Stewart
By Dennis Romero
Guided by a Magellan 750 NAV state-of-the-art GPS navigation system, a three-ton Lincoln Navigator owned and operated by associate sales director Craig Duncan-Taylor was observed coming to a complete stop at the intersection of Selma and Las Palmas avenues.
Witnesses claim to have seen the vehicle reach speeds of approximately 55 mph as it traveled southbound on Las Palmas after having narrowly escaped a collision with another SUV in the Starbucks parking lot at Franklin and Highland avenues. According to kids in the park, Duncan-Taylor rolled through the stop sign at Franklin Place and accelerated briskly to make the yellow light at Hollywood Boulevard before applying the luxury vehicle’s sophisticated anti-lock brakes and slowing down smoothly to a complete stop at Selma, no more than 20 yards from the entrance to a Baptist church.
“As I continued south on Las Palmas, I was comfortably sipping my coffee,” says Duncan-Taylor, speaking to the Weekly via cellular phone from the southbound 101. “I was on the phone with my friend Jim, who was driving his Ford Explorer in Orange County. Jim and I were talking about investments, sports, women we‘d like to have sex with, how great it’ll be to have a cowboy back in the White House, and how many consecutive weekdays we‘d worn white shirts and ties when, all of a sudden, a red, eight-sided sign with a four-letter word on it in big white letters appeared. Instantly, I thought of my driver-education class in high school, in 1987. My teacher, Mr. Perkins, told me that when I’m driving and I see a red, eight-sided sign with a four-letter word on it in big white letters, I should move my right foot from the pedal on the right, the accelerator, to the pedal just to the left of it, the brake, and then apply pressure until the car stops moving. So that‘s just what I did. And it worked like a charm.”
Stop signs such as the one encountered by Duncan-Taylor are traffic signs that order traffic to come to a stop. Developed by a federally funded research team in the late ’70s, the signs were praised by President Jimmy Carter as a means to save lives while reducing America‘s dependence on foreign oil. Between 1977 and 1980, over 230 million stop signs were erected on federal and municipal street corners. Then, in 1980, Americans elected deregulationist thespian Ronald Reagan as their president. One of the first things President Reagan did after firing union air-traffic controllers for striking was to hire masked bandits to uproot stop signs in inner-city areas. It was the Reagan administration’s contention that since the Constitution did not specifically provide for stop signs, American citizens should have the right to keep going, to decide for themselves what was or wasn‘t worth stopping for.
“Reagan’s ‘freedom fighters’ uprooted thousands of stop signs before being challenged by congressional communists, professional atheists and the liberal Jew-Run Media,” claims R. Dwayne Thompson, executive director of Jew-Run Media. “And that‘s when the whole thing came to a stop.”
“The whole, entire thing came to a stop,” says Renee Tique, a self-proclaimed “Selma Avenue crack ho” who’d been fellating a client on the steps of the Baptist church when Duncan-Taylor‘s vehicle approached. “I looked out of the corner of my eye, and there was like this big, humongous SUV coming real, real fast down the street, with, like, the driver all laughing and drinking coffee, talking on the phone. And then, like, as it got closer to the corner, where the stop sign is, it just, you know, slowed down. And then it kept on slowing until the whole thing just, like, completely stopped.”
After completing the maneuver, Duncan-Taylor allowed three pedestrians to cross in front of the vehicle before he looked both ways and, when it was safe, proceeded across the intersection and continued the rest of the way down Las Palmas to Sunset Boulevard, where he almost stopped at another stop sign but decided not to when he saw the coast was clear.
“I think it’s a good idea to stop,” says Duncan-Taylor, “at least every now and then, when you notice the signs. Today, for example. If I hadn‘t stopped at the sign I stopped at, I would have hit those people, and then I would’ve had to spend the afternoon filling out insurance reports and washing the blood off the bumper and, you know, feeling bad.
”Instead, I made a few phone calls, had a few drinks with clients and made a lot of money. Just doin‘ the hokey-pokey -- that’s what it‘s all about.“
U U U
It’s been over a year since we‘ve checked in with MegaCar.com, one of the Internet’s most studly nongayporno sites. And what a visit we‘ll have, for there’s still nothing more satisfying than, having waited for the sizable Shockwave file to load and then selected the English or German version, passing one‘s mouse over the technomacho MegaCar logo to hear the resulting triumphant MEGACARRR! in MegaCar.com’s traditional Robo-Heston® voice -- an artificially dashing and daring, profoundly pompous and ridiculously narcissistic prowl of a voice. (Recommended: the ”music off“ option at the bottom of the animation screen.) MEGACARRR! is, incidentally, a modified Mercedes-Benz sedan filled with all kinds of lemming-executive gear -- a Geek Utility Vehicle for wealthy folk who aren‘t too afraid to look automobile drivers in the eye.
From Lemming Manufacturing Group in Tennessee comes ”the hearse of the future,“ the new Lincoln Mortifier (http:poseur.4x4.orgsuvdeath.html). Taking your existing Lincoln Navigator and $38,000, LMG will create your choice of rugged vehicles for transporting your dead loved ones to off-road cemeteries. Choose from seven huge, ass-kicking editions: Charles Manson, Marilyn Manson, Aunt Edna (with luggage rack), Gangsta, the Godfather, Ghostbusters or the standard Obituary Edition. LMG is also accepting online orders for its $200,000 Kenworth Pilgrimage (http:poseur.4x4.orgfuturesuv.html) -- an SUV built onto a Kenworth semitrailer chassis. Choose from Intimidator, Grand Dominator, Fornicator GTX and nine other models. Options include ski rack, boat rack, gun rack, heliport, amphibian kit, oubliette and ornithopter attachment.
Inspirational factoids from the Sierra Club, as quoted by and at changingtheclimate.com: ”Switching from an average new car to a 13-mpg SUV for a year would waste more energy than leaving a refrigerator door open for six years, a bathroom light burning for 30 years, or a color TV turned on for 28 years“; ”An average SUV or a pickup is more than twice as likely as a car to kill the driver of the other vehicle in a collision, and an SUV is four times as likely to roll over in an accident“; ”SUVs put out 43 percent more global-warming pollutants . . . and 47 percent more air pollution than the average car.“ Provoked by such statistics, the kindly activists behind changingtheclimate.com invite you to join their eco-activist bumper-sticker tagging campaign. ”Get the adrenaline rush of stalking big game“ by learning the polite way to ”tag“ zany, easy-to-remove bumper stickers onto bumpers not of your own ownership.
Additional research by Chlamydia Pines.