King Chimp

About Medicare, he complained, “There‘s no prescription-drug benefits. There’s no drug therapies. There‘s no preventing medicines.” He promised, “If I’m the president, we‘re going to have emergency-room care, we’re going to have gag orders.” This represents a break with the past, for in Texas, he claims, “We‘ve got one of the most advanced Patients Bill of Rights . . . It says that you can’t gag a doctor.”

Understandably concerned about education, King Chimp spoke of at-risk children: “It‘s how we, unfortunately, label certain children. It means basically they can’t learn.” The answer, though, is obvious: “There needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children.”

Those concerned about our new monarch‘s handle on the Constitution will be interested to read that “The legislature’s job is to write law. It‘s the executive-branch job to interpret law.” It was perhaps wise of him not to credit the judiciary. He cleared things up later, though, after a meeting with congressional party leaders that apparently provoked an execution: “I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference. And that difference is, they pass the laws and I execute them.”

To conclude, a few philosophic aphorisms:

King Chimp on trust: “Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don‘t do it, that’s trustworthiness.”

On belief: “I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can‘t answer your question.”

On duty: “I think what the next president ought to do is to -- is to promote a cultural life in America, is a life of the -- life of the elderly, and life of those living all across America, life of the unborn.”

On the ridiculous (and the sublime): “I want to make it clear to people that, you know, the idea of putting subliminable messages into ads is -- it’s ridiculous.”

On life: “Life is important. It‘s not only life of babies, but it’s life of children living in the dark dungeons of the Internet.”

On chapters: “That‘s a chapter -- the last chapter -- of the 20th . . . 20th . . . the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century.”

On opportunities wasted: “Let me make sure the seniors hear me loud and clear. They’ve had their chance to get something done.”

On families, and wings: “Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”

On brown fields, and their desires: “Brown field is an abandoned industrial site that just sits idle in some of our urban centers. And people that are willing to invest capital in the brown fields don‘t want to do so for fear of lawsuit.”

And, ever introspective, on himself: “I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of human beings.”

On Saturday the interregnum will come to a close and, with King Chimp’s ascendancy to the throne, our laughter will very likely die in our throats, lodging itself there like a shard of chicken bone, causing choking, internal bleeding and excruciating coughing fits that won‘t let up for the next four years. King Chimp offers these words of comfort: “Don’t be nervous. I know what I‘m doing” -- a thought more chilling than his goofiest blunder.

Readers hungry for more should check out Jacob Weisberg’s “The Complete Bushisms” at http:slate.com, the source of many of the quotes collected above. They should also, without fail, visit www.bushorchimp.com.