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Holiday Programming 

Wednesday, Nov 8 2000
Comments

I. Orange and Black

• Enter parking queue.

• Idle 20 minutes.

• Park between matching Ford Expeditions.

• Enter drugstore through metal detectors; proceed through turnstile and select shopping cart.

• Open Marketing Response preferences and apply the following settings:

Color Scheme > Orange and Black

Background Image > Smiling Cartoon Goblin

Sound > Terry Jacks Medley

AutoCart > Seasonal Nonperishable

• Accept settings and follow cart to Seasonal aisle draped in orange and black crepe-paper twirls.

• Index > All. Apply Price Range Filter 20 percent at default settings.

• Select three large bags of small candies and one small bag of large candies; add to cart.

• Select two devil masks, one Scooby-Doo mask, one Britney Spears mask, two vials of artificial blood and one witch uniform; add to cart.

• Scan cart with Debt Reconciliation Filter.

• Return one vial of artificial blood to the artificial-fluids rack.

• Return one devil mask to the damnation-slapstick rack.

• Proceed to Checkout.

• Place objects on conveyor belt, rotating bar codes toward cashier.

• Cashier -- in witch costume, possibly -- will activate conveyor belt with foot switch and say How are you doing? or How are you doing today?

• Respond Fine, thank you or Fine, thank you today.

• Slide your Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card through magnetic scanner.

• If you do not have a Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card, cashier will say Do you have a Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card?

• Respond I have one, but I left it at home.

• Cashier will say That‘s all right and nobly scan his own Club Card to remove nonparticipation penalties from your account. Cashier will then say Happy Halloween.

• Respond Thank you. Happy Halloween.

• Cashier will say You saved $3.09 and Buh-bye now and hand you receipt.

• Respond Thank you and Thank you now and proceed through metal detector, out door, into parking lot, into street, traffic, home, into the bliss of oblivion and the kitchen.

• Anthropomorphically stab and disembowel a large, round, lightly furrowed gourd.

• Insert candle and place on porch.

• Pacify young neighbors with candy.

• Set Energy Saver to Sleep.

II. Gray and Brown

• Enter parking queue.

• Idle 20 minutes.

• Park between matching Lincoln Navigators.

• Enter grocery store through metal detectors; proceed through turnstile and select shopping cart.

• Open Marketing Response preferences and apply the following settings:

Color Scheme > Gray and Brown

Background Image > Smiling Cartoon Turkey With Buckled Pilgrim Hat

Sound > Aaron Copland’s Billy the Kid

AutoCart > Seasonal Perishable

• Accept settings. Follow cart to meat department and park beside double-life-size freestanding poster-board smiling cartoon turkey with Genuine In-jun™ headdress.

• Index > Poultry. Apply Whole Carcass Filter.

• Select one Ryckebosch Farms 20-pound Inflatable Tom Turkey; add to cart. Select Continue Shopping.

• Follow AutoCart to Insecticidal Produce Arena. Index > Tubers > Dark Meat > Genetically Modified > Yams. Place three identical yams in one receptacle. Place two identical yams in another receptacle. Apply Twist-Tie Filters at 100 percent until sealed; add to cart. Select Continue Shopping.

• Follow AutoCart to Canned Goods node. Index > Vegetables > Genetically Modified. Select eight cans of Cranberry Pectin; add to cart. Select Continue Shopping.

• Follow AutoCart to Baking Utilities. Index > Sugar > Inflatable. Select one 32-ounce bag Jet-Puffed marshmallows; add to cart. Select Continue Shopping.

• Follow AutoCart to Frozen Foods. Index > Dessert > Gourd Puree. Select one Mrs. Pumpkin pumpkin pie with built-in Cool-Whip; add to cart.

• Proceed to Checkout.

• Place objects on conveyor belt, rotating bar codes toward cashier.

• Cashier will activate conveyor belt with foot switch and say How are you doing? or How are you doing today?

• Respond Fine, thank you or Fine, thank you today.

• Slide your Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card through magnetic scanner.

• If you do not have a Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card, cashier will say Do you have a Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card?

• Respond I have one, but I left it at home.

• Cashier will say Well, we don‘t want you missing out on the turkey giveaway and nobly scan his own Club Card to remove nonparticipation penalties from your account and automatically enter himself, one more time, in the turkey giveaway. Cashier will then say Happy Thanksgiving.

• Respond Thank you. Likewise.

• Cashier will say You saved $3.09 and Buh-bye now and hand you receipt.

• Respond Thank you and Thank you now and proceed through metal detector, out door, into parking lot, into street, traffic, home, into the bliss of oblivion and the kitchen.

• Prepare food according to instructions at www.globalgourmet.comfoodeggegg1196timetabl.html.

• Clean house. Family members will eat food, argue and leave.

• Set Energy Saver to Sleep.

III. Red and Green

• Please take the ticket. And enter mall parking structure queue behind violently subwoofering Honda Accord EX captained by 25-year-old body captained by 8-year-old mind.

• Circle all four levels twice (3 miles) and park between Cadillac Escalade and Hummer 4-door wagon.

• Take Express Escalator past bulletproof sentinels and through metal detectors at Main Mall Entrance 19.

• Open Mall Preferences and apply the following settings:

Color Scheme > Red and Green

Background Image > Automatic

Background Scent > Geoffrey Beene Gray Flannel

Sound > Automatic

• Accept settings. Proceed to Sweatshop Carnival.

• Index > All. Drape random and assorted woolen and cotton clothing across left forearm until forearm beeps.

• Dump clothing on boutique-style countertop and hand credit card to boutique-style cashier, silently.

• Proceed with bag of clothes up escalator to German Appliances.

• Index > All.

• Kann ich Ihnen helfen?

• Accept assistance from portable boutique-style clerk. Request one each of the following devices:

> Mr. Coffee

> Juiceman Junior

> Mr. Breadfellow

> Lady Crumpett

• Hand credit card to portable boutique-style cashier.

• Fanden Sie alles ganz recht?

• Respond Ja, bitte und danke. Und Ihnen?

• Chuckle with cashier. Sign promissory note and proceed with purchases to Gift Wrapping queue.

• Queue will be full.

• Drag purchases down Express Escalator through metal detectors at Main Mall Entrance 19. Show receipts to bulletproof sentinels.

• Fill car with crap. Drive home.

• Apply sweater. Wrap gifts and conceal in closet or beneath bed.

• Set Energy Saver to Sleep.

IV. TROUBLESHOOTING

Whether candy, poultry or toys, post-Reagan American holidays are about spending enough money (or accruing enough debt) to be considered an asset to the economy, to express our gratitude to the corporate gods for allowing us to live and drive among them in their overpriced slums, jails and tract mansions. Depending on when your DNA-ROM was installed, you may have fond, inaccurate memories of the zany, carefree toys of the ’60s, inexpensive toys created for a virtually credit-card-free society where few of us were millionaires but fewer slept in cardboard boxes in the rain. Gobler Toys (www.goblertoys.com) seems to stock many of these surreal memories in the form of toys that never actually existed but may as well have.

Gather the kids around the Steinway for some upright Anti-Holiday Carols (http:home.uchicago.edu~pchungrepositorygroupcarols.html).

But why stop with holidays? Why not yodel in the corporate choir all year long? For behavior-pattern suggestions, visit NASA‘s Space Telerobotics Program, where the honor of being listed as ”Cool Robot of the Week“ (http:ranier.oact.hq.nasa.govtelerobotics_pagecoolrobots.html) is bestowed upon those ”robotics-related Web sites which portray highly innovative solutions to robotics problems, describe unique approaches to implementing robotics system, or present exciting interfaces for the dissemination of robotics-related information or promoting robotics technology. [This] award carries absolutely no monetary value, official recognition, assumed support or tangible benefit . . .“ Links to weekly winners all the way back to 1996. Recommended: Robolobster (http:bio.bu.edu~jdalerobolobs.htm), an underwater mobile sensor that tracks chemical plumes to their source; SlugBot (www.ias.uwe.ac.uk~i-kellytta.htm), an autonomous slug picker powered by fermenting the bodies of its victims.

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