Holiday Programming

I. Orange and Black

• Enter parking queue.

• Idle 20 minutes.

• Park between matching Ford Expeditions.

• Enter drugstore through metal detectors; proceed through turnstile and select shopping cart.

• Open Marketing Response preferences and apply the following settings:

Color Scheme > Orange and Black

Background Image > Smiling Cartoon Goblin

Sound > Terry Jacks Medley

AutoCart > Seasonal Nonperishable

• Accept settings and follow cart to Seasonal aisle draped in orange and black crepe-paper twirls.

• Index > All. Apply Price Range Filter 20 percent at default settings.

• Select three large bags of small candies and one small bag of large candies; add to cart.

• Select two devil masks, one Scooby-Doo mask, one Britney Spears mask, two vials of artificial blood and one witch uniform; add to cart.

• Scan cart with Debt Reconciliation Filter.

• Return one vial of artificial blood to the artificial-fluids rack.

• Return one devil mask to the damnation-slapstick rack.

• Proceed to Checkout.

• Place objects on conveyor belt, rotating bar codes toward cashier.

• Cashier -- in witch costume, possibly -- will activate conveyor belt with foot switch and say How are you doing? or How are you doing today?

• Respond Fine, thank you or Fine, thank you today.

• Slide your Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card through magnetic scanner.

• If you do not have a Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card, cashier will say Do you have a Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card?

• Respond I have one, but I left it at home.

• Cashier will say That‘s all right and nobly scan his own Club Card to remove nonparticipation penalties from your account. Cashier will then say Happy Halloween.

• Respond Thank you. Happy Halloween.

• Cashier will say You saved $3.09 and Buh-bye now and hand you receipt.

• Respond Thank you and Thank you now and proceed through metal detector, out door, into parking lot, into street, traffic, home, into the bliss of oblivion and the kitchen.

• Anthropomorphically stab and disembowel a large, round, lightly furrowed gourd.

• Insert candle and place on porch.

• Pacify young neighbors with candy.

• Set Energy Saver to Sleep.

II. Gray and Brown

• Enter parking queue.

• Idle 20 minutes.

• Park between matching Lincoln Navigators.

• Enter grocery store through metal detectors; proceed through turnstile and select shopping cart.

• Open Marketing Response preferences and apply the following settings:

Color Scheme > Gray and Brown

Background Image > Smiling Cartoon Turkey With Buckled Pilgrim Hat

Sound > Aaron Copland’s Billy the Kid

AutoCart > Seasonal Perishable

• Accept settings. Follow cart to meat department and park beside double-life-size freestanding poster-board smiling cartoon turkey with Genuine In-jun™ headdress.

• Index > Poultry. Apply Whole Carcass Filter.

• Select one Ryckebosch Farms 20-pound Inflatable Tom Turkey; add to cart. Select Continue Shopping.

• Follow AutoCart to Insecticidal Produce Arena. Index > Tubers > Dark Meat > Genetically Modified > Yams. Place three identical yams in one receptacle. Place two identical yams in another receptacle. Apply Twist-Tie Filters at 100 percent until sealed; add to cart. Select Continue Shopping.

• Follow AutoCart to Canned Goods node. Index > Vegetables > Genetically Modified. Select eight cans of Cranberry Pectin; add to cart. Select Continue Shopping.

• Follow AutoCart to Baking Utilities. Index > Sugar > Inflatable. Select one 32-ounce bag Jet-Puffed marshmallows; add to cart. Select Continue Shopping.

• Follow AutoCart to Frozen Foods. Index > Dessert > Gourd Puree. Select one Mrs. Pumpkin pumpkin pie with built-in Cool-Whip; add to cart.

• Proceed to Checkout.

• Place objects on conveyor belt, rotating bar codes toward cashier.

• Cashier will activate conveyor belt with foot switch and say How are you doing? or How are you doing today?

• Respond Fine, thank you or Fine, thank you today.

• Slide your Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card through magnetic scanner.

• If you do not have a Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card, cashier will say Do you have a Demographic Research Cheerleader Club Card?

• Respond I have one, but I left it at home.

• Cashier will say Well, we don‘t want you missing out on the turkey giveaway and nobly scan his own Club Card to remove nonparticipation penalties from your account and automatically enter himself, one more time, in the turkey giveaway. Cashier will then say Happy Thanksgiving.

• Respond Thank you. Likewise.

• Cashier will say You saved $3.09 and Buh-bye now and hand you receipt.

• Respond Thank you and Thank you now and proceed through metal detector, out door, into parking lot, into street, traffic, home, into the bliss of oblivion and the kitchen.

• Prepare food according to instructions at www.globalgourmet.comfoodeggegg1196timetabl.html.

• Clean house. Family members will eat food, argue and leave.

• Set Energy Saver to Sleep.

III. Red and Green

• Please take the ticket. And enter mall parking structure queue behind violently subwoofering Honda Accord EX captained by 25-year-old body captained by 8-year-old mind.

• Circle all four levels twice (3 miles) and park between Cadillac Escalade and Hummer 4-door wagon.

• Take Express Escalator past bulletproof sentinels and through metal detectors at Main Mall Entrance 19.

• Open Mall Preferences and apply the following settings:

Color Scheme > Red and Green

Background Image > Automatic

Background Scent > Geoffrey Beene Gray Flannel

Sound > Automatic

• Accept settings. Proceed to Sweatshop Carnival.

• Index > All. Drape random and assorted woolen and cotton clothing across left forearm until forearm beeps.

• Dump clothing on boutique-style countertop and hand credit card to boutique-style cashier, silently.