Cooler Than Cool

If you find yourself infatuated with the vigorous, unsweetened Hornsby’s Draft Cider, then congratulations -- you can now graduate to beer. Rating: 6.

Hooper‘s Hooch Alcoholic Lemon Brew utilizes the ol’ fruit-pulp-in-the-bottle approach with this pleasantly citric refreshment. Rating: 9.

Great Britain‘s Hooper’s Hooch Alcoholic Orange Brew first conquered American taste buds in 1997 with its utterly thirst-quenching, tart-‘n’-tangy bouquet. Rating: 10.

A tribute to class pranksters everywhere, Jack Daniel‘s Country Cocktails Downhome Punch is reminiscent of the deliciously fruity, buzz-inducing spiked punch that made your prom truly a night to remember -- or, maybe, not remember. Rating: 9.

Jack Daniel’s Country Cocktails Lynchburg Lemonade‘s dominant harsh alcohol aftertaste paddles the wimpy lemon flavor’s rear end, while yelling, ”Who‘s your daddy?!“ Rating: 6.

The ruggedly handsome Jack Daniel’s Country Cocktails Wildberry Jack is packed with a tart berry aroma, as well as the powerful kick that one would expect from the distillery synonymous with sour-mash whiskey. Rating: 10.

Distributed by Seagram‘s, Rick’s Spiked Lemonade sparkles with tangy natural flavors and a light malt aftertaste. Rating: 10.

The clean-tasting, sparsely sweetened Seagram‘s Original Golden Cooler goes to show you that not all coolers taste like alcoholic syrup. Rating: 9.

Seagram’s Wild Berries Flavored Cooler: See B&J Berry Flavored Cooler. Rating: 10.

Seagram‘s Wild Black Cherry Flavored Cooler is actually quite tame, with a delicate yet appealing cherry aroma. Rating: 8.

The only difference between Seagram’s Wild Grape Kiwi Flavored Cooler and a refreshing grape soda is that after drinking the soda you won‘t make passes at your best friend’s grandparent. Rating: 10.

The delightful, light-tasting Seagram‘s Wild Margarita Flavored Cooler goes down like a virgin margarita, except it hasn’t been honest with you about its promiscuous past. Rating: 9.

If the cooler industry ever goes belly up (again), the sweet and savory Seagram‘s Wild Pink Lemonade proves that its makers ought to remove the malt, which is unnoticeable anyway, and enter the sparkling-fruit-beverage business. Rating: 10.

Seagram’s Wild Strawberry Banana‘s fruit-juiced-up flavor and nonexistent alcohol aftertaste seems to be the company’s trademark. Rating: 10.

Seagram‘s Wild Watermelon: fruity, yummy, no alcohol taste, blah blah blah . . . Rating: 10.

Named after the punch line of a joke too long (and vulgar) to repeat here, Two Dogs Lemon Brew is a good, lemony refreshment, although the alcohol comes on a bit too strong. Rating: 8.

From the country that gave us Paul Hogan, Two Dogs Orange Brew is a decent quencher with a mild orange bouquet and a heavier-than-average alcohol aftertaste. Rating: 7.

Canada’s Wyder‘s Dry Peach Cider is not peachy at all, but rather bitter, with a rough alcohol aroma. Rating: 5.

The crisp, naturally fermented Wyder’s Dry Pear Cider is perfect for those who have outgrown the sweetness of the average wine-flavored coolers. Rating: 8.

Wyder‘s Dry Raspberry Cider’s natural fermentation, coupled with frail raspberry, makes it a bit too potent for the discerning cooler aficionado. Rating: 6.

In 1993, Coors Brewing Co. unveiled Zima, a clear-malt creation it claimed was based on ”what everybody wanted in an alternative to beer.“ What it actually came up with was a bland, inoffensive refresher that tries too hard to please everyone. Rating: 6.

And last, unfortunately (hiccup), but least, we have Zima Citrus, a malternative beverage that‘s as dull as dishwater, although you may get more citrus flavor with lemon fresh Joy. Rating: 2.