Former Faster Pussycat and current Newlydead singer TAIME DOWNE on receiving a Buddha penis sculpture at his birthday party: "If I ever turn gay, I'll have something big to stick up my ass."
Joe Boxer designer NICHOLAS GRAHAM at Macy's 17th Annual Passport Fashion Show: "Six, seven years ago, I said that underwear was the fragrance of the '90s."
An anonymous wag surveying bosomy billboard babe ANGELYNE's paintings (we think) at her first solo show: "Now that's some body of work."
TONY CURTIS, waddling down the steps into the night at the La Boca opening fete: "Adios."
A fight broke out at the CENTIMETERS' CD-release party when openers LOS SUPER ELEGANTES refused to get off the stage. After trying to be nice about it, the Centimeters' MAX GOMBERG stumbled up in the middle of a song and shouted, "Get off the fuckin' stage!" A shoving match ensued, and not-so-Super-Elegante MARTINIANO swung at Gomberg.
During a recent FABULOUS PRIZES concert at Al's Bar, singer SCOTT "Deluxe" DRAKE (formerly of the Humpers) was generally misbehaving in a good-natured, albeit trashed, manner. Most everybody in the room was enjoying the Long Beach group's heavy punk rock, everyone, that is, except for the Prizes' new bassist, STEVE UHL, who sucker-punched his barely conscious singer. When people in the audience jumped up onstage to help the fallen Drake, the bassist swung at them, too, accidentally striking similarly wasted guitarist BILLY BURKS as he wandered over to see what was happening. Uhl apologized, and the band were last seen tearfully hugging each other after their experiment with firewater.
STAGE DIVING DON'Ts
Apparently guided by voices (or by a desire to emulate singer ROBERT POLLARD's demonstration of "how to get progressively hammered"), a GUIDED BY VOICES devotee dove from the Roxy stage in November, only to find the sea of bodies before him parted with Moses-like efficiency. It seemed this was the only thing that could have ended GBV's typically masterful and indefatigable set, which was already closing in on two hours. Praise be, the fan was cut loose from the hospital with non-life-threatening dings.
HOW TO BE A RATT'S ASS
Members of metal band RATT stormed offstage at CLUB MAKEUP's heavy metal party, Highway to Hell, after they realized that they were playing their hit, "Round and Round," with a bunch of drag queens backing them up and that the club was only a tongue-in-cheek homage to big hair.
THIS BOOTH IS MADE FOR TALKING
NANCY SINATRA showed off her, uh, literary side when she read a poem she wrote to RODNEY BINGENHEIMER at the ceremony marking "his booth" at Canter's with a special plaque, while pals PAMELA DES BARRES, CYNTHIA PLASTER CASTER, JANE WIEDLIN and BRIAN WILSON looked on.
THANK YOU, ROXY!
The ROXY's new big beers -- 24 ounces of Miller, Foster's Lager or Miller Lite for roughly the same price as a regular beer.
URINE WITH THE IN CROWD
Cheers to Goldenvoice promoters PAUL TOLLETT and RICK VAN SANTEN, who put on the COACHELLA VALLEY MUSIC & ARTS FESTIVAL, an event that was both creative and classy -- loved those toilets with running water!
There was no debate over whether graffiti is art or a public nuisance at the ZERO ONE GALLERY's opening of "Contemporary Corruption: The Art of Graffiti," which celebrated more than 30 years of West Coast "writing." The only dilemma was 2,000 art tarts trying to find parking.
Even if you slip more than trip the light fantastic, it was impossible to keep your tootsies still when salsa sultan JOHNNY PACHECO made his first L.A. appearance in more than 15 years at the Sportsmen's Lodge.
HIGHWAYS TO CELL HELL
During a performance by JUNE MELBY at Highways, some guy's cell phone rang. (Get yer phone, Asshole.) June continued. So did Asshole's phone. (Asshole! Seriously, now: Turn off yer fucking phone.) No; Asshole did not. Instead, he turned to his right, to his friend, and presented her with a meek, inquisitive look that was met with a disgusted glare. June continued her a cappella softsweetness as Asshole did the hitherto unimaginable: He burned nine calories by reaching down to his bag and turning off his phone before it could ring a fourth time.
LET IT BE OVER
At one particular summertime Sucker, we glanced around and noticed that the SILVER LAKEIAN HIPSTER CAT-EYE GLASSES AND THRIFT-STORE HOUSEWIFE DRESS LOOK may finally be over.
CLUB SUCKER called it a night after five years of beer-busting Sundays. VAGINAL DAVIS dressed like Pepa of Salt-n-Pepa for the last night, and EXTRA FANCY reunited, with BRIAN GRILLO pounding on his oil-can drum and go-go dancer JULIE literally swinging from the rafters.
HOW TO MAKE AN EXIT
OSSEUS LABYRINT's MARK STEGER and HANNAH SIM oozed through the muddy bank of the L.A. River and floated away down the river for their finale after a performance in which they were hanging naked, suspended by their ankles, from the First Street bridge.
Contributors: Ron Athey, Greg Burk, Pleasant Gehman, Falling James, Miriam Jacobson, Lina Lecaro, Derrick Mathis, J.V. McAuley, Brendan Mullen, Dave Shulman
Edited by Kateri Butler & Libby Molyneaux