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Catalog(.) 

Wednesday, Oct 6 1999
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Thank you for your recent online purchase from The Mall Zone Outpost Warehouse Club, your permanent source of everlasting convenience. As a token of our appreciation, we invite you to take advantage of these special hardware and software clearance bargains, available only to our online customers whose worlds spin on the axis of special hardware and software clearance bargains available only to them. Remember, to take advantage of these inventory-reduction specials, you must place your order through our online catalog.*

SayBaby! 2.5

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With SayBaby!, your college-bound zygote will speak and read English, Spanish, Japanese and Commercial Hip-Hop at the high school level with full comprehension as early as three weeks prior to birth. Installs comfortably in seconds. Latest version 2.5 includes TeknoSlang -- a $29 value!

Demonopolize Platinum Plus

In accordance with recent federal legislation, Demonopolize Platinum Plus detects proprietary code ratios on Local Area Networks at user-specified intervals. Whenever more than 50 percent of active code originates from the same vendor, Demonopolize Platinum Plus automatically donates $50 to your company’s favorite charity, courtesy of the offending proprietor. Registered Demonopolize Gold users upgrade as low as $19.95†

iLid Pro™ 3

Still the number one holographic crystalline vitreous-humor-implant input device. New version 3 takes commands from both eyelids and optic nerves. Simply imagine a task visually -- from 6-point Helvetica hate mail to 300MB multilayer Photoshop files -- blink, and it appears. Perfect every time. Installs in seconds with a #11 X-acto knife not included!

Suicide Utilities Bundle

Just in time for Christmas. Three must-have utilities in one special package. At one special price. You get:

Norton HemlockPro (regular price $24.95)

Now XPire (regular price $24.95)

EuthanasiaPlus (regular price $24.95)

All for just $79.99 (in promotional packaging only; ships after credit payment clears).

Hard2Browse™ Gold

Protect your middle-aged executive from wholesome, “family-oriented” Web content. Type in an innocuous phrase -- e.g., “Why is God?” -- and Hard2Browse™ will download thousands of hardcore pornographic images to the specified directory, saving the busy executive countless hours of overpaid labor.†

LaserBarista™ 909

Print responsibly with this combination professional-quality espresso machine and 1,200-dpi sepia-tone printer. After making you a perfect cappuccino, LaserBarista creates a molecular bond between your used coffee grounds and LaserBarista‘s patented polyester Microdust™ to produce a deep chocolate laser toner. Output rich delicious espresso beverages and lush, photo-quality sepia-tone prints at up to 12 ppm.†

†installs in seconds

For more outstanding bargains, see our online catalog(.)

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