Ten Bands You Can't Kill

How many years in music? First took drum lessons in 1978, fourth grade. Been playing in bands since 1984.

Day job(s)? Ice-cream scooper, dishwasher, food-warehouse-floor worker, HoneyBaked Ham glazer, telemarketer, general office temp, head-shop counter clerk, pest- control-company dispatcher and account manager, product-literature manager. Currently insurance specialist for a medical-device manufacturer. Goals when you started? Be in a band I really liked that would tour and make records. At age 10, get good enough on the snare that my mom would buy me a whole drum set so I could play crazy shit all over the kit like Keith Moon. Goals now? Have a good time all the time. Continue to make records without constantly touring. Big brush with fame? Played with Devo on songs for the Supercop soundtrack; played onstage with Mike Watt, Eddie Vedder and Dave Grohl in Carrboro, North Carolina; forced the evacuation of an entire Cincinnati hotel after getting drunk with Mudhoney — all summer of 1995. Guess I was on a roll. Worst gig? Spaceland, April 1997: Record-label publicity reps took us out and got us plastered right before playing a "very important" show, one they’d invited all these writers and other label people to. I got so buttered I couldn’t remember a single song we did after the show ended, but later heard it was, er, less than tight. At 7:30 the following morning, badly hung over, drove four hours out to the middle of the desert to play a biker rally with Backbiter, performed at noon in blistering heat, head pounding, dry-heaving, caustic dust stinging my dehydrated eyes, on a black, uncovered stage in the middle of the desert, to an audience of about 15 old men, all of whom were in little tents, far away from the stage. Probably the two worst gigs ever, 12 hours apart. ç Moment you felt like quitting? Taking the stage in the Amboy, California, desert at noon with a hangover to play for 15 old men. Why didn’t you? Vowed never to play in the desert at noon ever again, and have been able to stick to that. Most money made in one night? $1,000 in Toledo, Ohio, to play for a bunch of college kids who walked straight past us to the disco downstairs. Would you do a Gap commercial? No, I shop exclusively at Target. Where do you see the band in five years? Practicing in my garage for a gig supporting NRBQ. Tex Groovy RednecksHow many years in music? 8,276 gigs. Day job(s)? Driver, doorman. Goals when you started? Have fun, meet girls, drink free. Goals now? The same. Big brush with fame? 1999 outstanding Americana/roots artist, Southern California Music Award (Bammie). Worst gig? September 12, 1992. At a kegger party in Occidental, California, I drank way too much tequila and butchered the first few songs, wandered off and passed out. The band somehow faked the rest of the set. They got paid. I didn’t. Moment you felt like quitting? April 8, 1998. Venice Bistro. We had to play a three-set free audition on a Wednesday night to try to get a Sunday paying day gig. When I asked the owner what he thought, he said he had had complaints about us. I got so mad, I destroyed my mike stand completely. Why didn’t you? Because we’re stubborn bastards! Worst career move? Playing in Hollywood too much. Would you do a Gap commercial? For a barrelful of money! Where do you see the band in five years? On gig No. 597. Terry and Bernadette ShooflyHow many years in music? Bernadette and I have been performing, off and on, since we met in the late ’80s. Day job(s)? Bernadette is an actress — theater, film, voice-over and French-TV work. Terry works as a graphic artist. (Bassist Michael Polcino is a director for the The Simpsons.) Goals when you started?The same as now. Goals now? To continue playing music and working in artist environments. Worst gig? Maybe the time right after the release of our first album as the Apache Dancers, when our record label at the time, Happy Hermit, sent us over to London for one gig to open for Concrete Blonde. The gig was at the Border Line. Terry had en route come down with a nasty flu and completely lost his voice, and could barely croak like a frog. We tried performing anyway, limiting Terry’s singing, which consisted of a few inaudible croaks. Later, during Concrete Blonde’s set, Terry sat backstage groaning at the lost opportunity, and the plumbing on the wall burst, spraying out into the room, flooding the backstage, where both bands had left all their equipment and belongings. Frantically, Terry tried to signal the management through a totally muted voice and through some kind of sign language that there was an emergency backstage — all this while Concrete Blonde played their loud set, with a screaming, cheering crowd. Finally, the problem was noticed and the pipes were mended. Moment you felt like quitting? After realizing that the music industry is full of corruption, from the bottom to the top. Why didn’t you? After realizing that there is corruption in almost every industry, from the bottom to the top. Most money made in one night? Prefer not to say — nothing to write home about, but nothing to sneeze at, either. Would you do a Gap commercial? Yeah. Did you see the totally cool Gap commercial featuring Rufus Wainwright? Very entertaining. The Gap makes those fun and sexy dancing khaki commercials and go-go commercials, as well — more interesting than the regular TV programs. Where do you see the band in five years? Playing the Love Boat. No, just kidding. Touring China . . . oops, goofed again. Bryan Small The HangmenHow many years in music? Fifteen. Day job(s)? Driver, busboy, construction worker, drug dealer, computer operator. Goals when you started? Sing songs, play electric guitars, make records and get some money for it. Goals now? Same. Big brush with fame? Playing with Iggy Pop at the Greek Theater in Berkeley. Doing drugs with Timothy Leary in the bathroom of the Viper Room. Worst gig? Jacks Sugar Shack, 1993. Way too much alcohol. Bass player attacked me onstage using his Fender as a weapon. He was fired that night. Horrible gig. Moment you felt like quitting? Every day, but it passes. Why you don’t . . . I can’t, I would be miserable. Most money made in one night? $1,000, I think. Maybe more. Would you do a Gap commercial? Sure. When? Where do you see the band in five years? I hope we will be a few records down the road with the same lineup and reaping the rewards we so richly deserve. Lava DivaHow many years in music? Collectively? 83 years. Day job(s)? Foley artist; art teacher for junior high and high school; admissions at Cal State Northridge. Goals when you started? To play music and have a good time. Goals now? To meet chicks. Big brush with fame? Passing Angelyne driving in her car on our way to Vegas. Worst gig? Nomads, circa 1994. Dawn broke her guitar string and had to borrow Mike Starkey’s [Stanford Prison Experiment] guitar, which was too heavy, hung way too low, and was in a different tuning. Greg lost a stick midsong, and it flew straight into the back of Dawn’s head while she was singing a nice slow song. And Johnny’s guitar teacher came up to the stage in the middle of a song and told her to "just stop playing" because it sounded so out of tune. Moment you felt like quitting? After Johnny’s second show, she hated it so much that she vowed that if she didn’t enjoy playing after three more shows, she would quit. Why didn’t you? At the third show, she had a good time. Most money made in one night? We played to a group of drunk guys in a Bakersfield bar, most of whom were yelling, "Show us your tits!" louder than we could turn our amps. We got paid $250 and all the beer we could drink. Worst career move? Going to breakfast with an A&R guy from Polygram, and after ordering most everything off the menu for ourselves, eating all the food off his plate as well. We never heard from him again. Would you do a Gap commercial? Lava Diva will do pretty much anything for free food. It really depends on the catering they plan to have on the set. Where do you see the band in five years? Changing diapers on a pool table at the Coconut Teaszer.