Seeking the Heterosexual Within

Dressed in an ankle-length overall dress, hose and wedgie sandals, Sigler willingly discussed her "journey out of homosexuality" and into heterosexual marriage and motherhood, her former drug and alcohol problems, and her seven to eight years of therapy and Christian regrowth. But when asked about her sexual feelings for her husband and other men, she grew frosty. "I won't journey there," she said. "Homosexuality and heterosexuality are not about who people are able to sleep with; it's so much more than that."

"I believe some people on a scale are more of a 5 than a 10 in homosexuality; they can get married and have kids and be happy. More power to them. But that doesn't include everybody," says John Evans, an early Love in Action leader who now lives with a male partner in Sonoma, California.

A number of ex-gays report a honeymoon period when forbidden desires subside, followed by a black depression when the feelings come roaring back. Some groups now speak of "struggling with homosexuality" rather than of being cured. Many acknowledge that gay fantasies or desires never go away completely, and counsel abstinence or celibacy.

In other words, back to the closet. But how many gay people will give up years of their lives, or thousands of dollars in therapy fees, just to hear once again that they should repress their desires? So the ex-gay movement and the Christian right continue to push a phantom gay cure.

"It's a kinder, gentler ex-gay movement . . . but it's still very odious," says White, the former speechwriter for Falwell. "These people are absolutely into dem-ographics, they know what hot buttons to push, and they're trying to mobilize volunteers as precinct workers by creating an enemy. It's the politics of blame."